So, I guess this is going to be my first attempt at a heartfelt entry. I haven’t done this in a while. Since high school, actually.
That’s…almost six years ago. And the funny thing is, I don’t even know how I should begin…
Well, I guess I should start by stating what I hope to, and want to get out of this. I am a person who deals with a lot of different things (sooo cliché. I know.): Most of them on the negative side…almost always at the same time. Or one after the other…after the other. I am hoping to rid myself of my negative thoughts, through this little exercise, and continue my day, and ideally my life, without so much anxiety. And who knows? Maybe if I commit to doing this at least once a week, I might be able to organize my thoughts, and ideally, return to my old self. Actually, no. I want to become a genuinely happier, confident and more evolved version of myself.
Part One: Understand where I am coming from. A Detoxification.
First, I feel like I must write from my darker side. The side of me that feels hopeless. And the funniest part is, I HATE IT when feel this way…but when I am by myself, all I do is think. And when I think, I try to plan, but then the darker side of me comes out and says, “Your life. it sucks.”
I mean, I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS HOLE. It has been getting deeper and deeper, and I want to climb out. I want to be able to say that I am better than this, than them, than everything that wants to keep me down. I want to be able to understand why bad things happen to good people. I want to turn back time. I want to start over. I want to be able to go back to the girl I used to be: bright, positive, happy, SATISFIED. INNOCENT.
I mean, I wish I could, but I know that wishing is something that will never make anything happen. What I need to do, is work on being able to tell the difference between the two. Between reality and imagination.
I mean, I used to be such a talented child, and am still a very talented woman. This is something I KNOW. I feel like my light has been burned out, and I want to be able to spark it back up.
I have realized that I want a lot of things.
I want to be able to smile, for REAL. Not because I feel that I have to.
I want to be able to love myself for my mind and soul. Not because I feel I have to. Actually, I feel like I always HAVE to do something. To BE something. I want to know WHO I AM: and WHAT I WANT…and WHAT I DESERVE.
I want to rid myself of all of the negative people in my life, who wish me nothing but sorrow and, eventually, my demise. I want to love myself. As much as those who love me do, and I them. I want to be proud of myself, because I am not, always. I want to be able to speak up whenever I do not agree with something, which is a good amount of the time, and which is something that I don’t do. At all.
I want to be able to take these posts, and turn them into motivation to be nothing but a better version of myself.
I want to live and love without worry. I want to be healthy. I want to love my life. I want to be able to have all of my anger, frustrations, worries, sorrows, and angst disappear fully with every single letter that I type. I want to be free of disease. I want others to be proud of me. I want the people in my life who I call my closest and dearest friends and my boyfriend to be mine forever. Because I fear that all of these negative thoughts that I am haunted with will scare them all away. Forever.
Like they will eventually get sick of me. And my thoughts. And my childish reasoning… And of me.
I want to stop wishing. I need to be able to get my head together.
But I wish that I knew how to be a better friend. And girlfriend. He is always so good to me. They are ALWAYS so good to me, and I just don’t know why they deal with me, sometimes.
I wish I didn’t feel so much pain. Maybe if I couldn’t, I wouldn’t cry so much. I wouldn’t hate everything so much. I would feel the good things in life more. I would be a better person.
I wish I was better.
…I NEED TO STOP WISHING.
And just do what I need to do. In order to get to where I WANT to be. I need to graduate. It has been long enough.
I want to be able to ease my mother’s burdens.
I need a good job.
I want it all. And, yet…I want nothing. But contentment. That is really all that I want. I want to love myself.
^You see, THAT. THAT RIGHT THERE IS MY PROBLEM. I am always wishing, wanting, thinking about the past and becoming upset by it. This has GOT TO END. And it WILL END. STARTING TODAY. Because I WANT to make it stop, and so I am making an EFFORT to stop it.
Writing is my first step.
Let’s do this.