So, I have missed months and months of writing. Shame on me. But, I do feel that I have not been wasting my days being upset about everything going on in my life. In fact, I feel pretty alright today. I spent an amazing weekend with my boyfriend, Richie. It was our six-month anniversary (though, I rather hate it when others go around saying the word, ‘anniversary’ when they are talking about a relationship’s time span. And yet, here I am doing the same thing. I swore I wouldn’t…but look at me…Happy Six Months, baby!!). It was also Chinese New Year for his family. As I got there, I was expecting his family to be rather ticked off that I dared to even come over during the Lunar New Year. I tend to over think (in the worst way…) sometimes. But surprisingly, this weekend was AMAZING. His family welcomed me with open arms…and even gave me red envelopes! ^^ I feel like they do accept me…but it seems like I am always trying to find something wrong. With anything. I mean, this weekend was amazingly amazing, and we spent all of our time together. And it felt great. I feel great. I finally got him to watch Korean movies with me…and he liked them (though, he still wouldn’t watch a tear-jerker with me…in due time, I suppose…)!
Then….we sort of stepped out of our little honeymoon fantasy…and began to talk about the serious things… Which lead up to us having a little bit of an argument.
I was talking about a hypothetical situation in which, I was pregnant with his child (which I am NOT, no worries…). He got super serious, and asked me what I would do if I was in that situation. I said that I wasn’t sure, but I knew I was not ready to have a child. At all. He got so serious all of a sudden…and then proceeded to talk about what he would like to happen, and then letting me know that I am most definitely not even mature enough to have a child…let alone start a family. He mentioned school, my ability to work, with my current pessimistic mentality…and then said he would not want to deal with me, nor would he let my child deal with it either. That is, if I decided to have the child. I snapped. And I started to cry, and got really, REALLY upset. I don’t know why this made me so upset, though. He was right. I most definitely am not ready. I don’t know why I always think this way. It’s like I HATE to hear someone point out the fact that I am wrong, even when they lay out how incredibly ludicrous my thoughts and ideas may sound, or even are. I feel like I am really immature sometimes. Like I need to keep whatever may seem to be farfetched in the back of my brain until it is time to focus on them. I mean, I do have a lot of negative things going on in my life…but I also know that I have a lot of absolutely and amazingly wonderful things happening for me as well. I have met the love of my life, I have one of the most supporting mothers, I have this incredible ability to feel for others, genuinely, even if they do not care for me at all…
I can be someone amazing.
And, I think that both my mother, and Rich see it in me.
Which is why they are always so hard on me (it may seem to me at that particular time of scolding). I can be someone amazing.
I am amazing.
And, this is something I need to work on telling myself everyday.
Not just everyday, but numerous times in the day.
So, here are my promises to myself, that I will make sure to follow:
I promise to speak only in positivity. I cannot afford to succumb to anymore negativity. It will make me sick, and will physically, mentally, and emotionally ruin me. I need to be as positive towards myself as I am towards others. And it WILL happen.
I promise to focus more on myself first, and then others. I need to get my life together. This is obviously a pretty good way to get towards that goal.
I promise to work on awareness. I need to make myself more of an alert and credible person.
I promise to save 50% of every paycheck. Whatever is left of what I make, is what I will use. Nothing more.
I promise to make sure that I put more time into how I look. Appearance is everything. If I do not feel good about how I look, how can others?
I promise to go to the gym religiously. It will take some time, but I need to do this to make myself feel better. This is something I MUST commit to. Today was a cop-out, but tomorrow morning, I WILL BE AT THE GYM.
I promise to get my degree.
I promise to love myself. Unconditionally.
I promise to keep all of these promises.